F*ck Normal

{{Warning – excerpt from journalling today – I wouldn’t normally show this kind of stuff}}

I am on the only holiday I have had in 8 years, where I didn’t ‘do’ something/go somewhere.

It’s a very strange concept.

The days blend into each other and from someone who gets so much sh*t done – I feel out of sorts. Very much so.

In fact, this is the first time in nearly three weeks I have opened up my laptop to type. It feels odd, yet homely. 😉

I can hear some of you say ‘Oh! But everyone needs a break from work’. And in fact, my internal voice says sh*t like this too…but I wonder if it isn’t me – it’s perhaps what I have been conditioned to ‘think.’ That you must have a ‘break’ or…..what? You can finish that sentence yourself.

But here’s the thing.

I don’t consider what I do to be ‘work.’ Therefore, why would I need a break from ‘work’…if it isn’t so?

Have I been trying to ‘fit in’?

By this, I mean – taking holidays when it’s Summertime in Oz. Lots of people do it, and the fact that I can take a break when I work for myself is something people aspire to.

But.

I feel out of place.
I feel the need to create.
I feel the pull of ideas daily/nightly – then the sadness at not pursuing them.
I feel the need to write. And write. And write.

Ok – full honesty…I have started on a screenplay while on my break. But again, not work! Pure fun and imagination of the possibilities!

I miss routine. I miss creating books/courses/programs. I miss coaching my people. I miss deadlines and the drive it gives me. I miss it all.

I tell people they can create the life they want. I tell people to be the authentic ‘them.’ Break the rules if they need to and design the life they dream of. (Their dreams, not others). And what have I done?

I have conformed.
I have tried to fit into others ideas of ‘holidays.’
I have tried to imagine that I ‘need’ the rest. Maybe I did? Maybe I didn’t. Who knows? Or cares at this stage.

So, I ask myself:

Why have I conformed?

The answer? Well, I know it already.

I want people to like me.

It always comes down to this. By fitting in. By conforming. By being ‘normal.’ But!! F*ck! I am not normal! F*ck normal! Blah! to ‘normal’.

I am laughing out loud (for real) as I type this. F*ck normal. And no, I am not using the * to fit in…Social Media is not a fan of my sweary mouth. It pains me to do it.

So, if I say f*ck normal – will people still like me? Probs.

So, if I do as I please and live my life to my standards…will people still like me? Probs.

So, if I take holidays when I please and still ‘work’ when on them – will it matter to anyone else? Probs not.

Ok then.

F*ck normal.