Going around in circles with no direction…
*Going around in circles with no direction – long post ahead with some vulnerability too*
So, I have been feeling like I’ve been going around in circles for a few weeks. Floating, drifting, aimless – yet happy.
It’s been a strange feeling, mainly because it felt incredibly foreign to me.
Happiness mixed with a touch of feeling like I had no direction.
In the past, if I felt like I was drifting, it was out of fear. I would float around not doing anything and have a sense of desperation surrounding me, feeling the pressure to ‘do’ and keep moving forward.
So this was new.
I didn’t know I could be happy yet directionless.
Luckily I have fantastic coaching friends, and my timing was perfect a few weeks ago when I arranged to have coffee with one of them (Thanks, Mel!). I expressed the way I felt – and I was conscious of not playing the ‘I’m fine!’ game too. This is something that I would do to mask how I was feeling – don’t we all to some extent?
I told her that I was still journalling, getting out to mature daily and doing my usual self-care rituals – yet still felt a bit lost.
I expressed that my journalling was around the immense gratitude I have around my life these days – and that I journal around my happiness and that I get to choose what I do day today – and to be honest? My life is fucking amazing.
So what’s the problem, Emma?
I know, right?
I was still lost to a degree.
She said, ‘You’ve made it’. And for a moment, I was a bit lost for words.
I’ve made it?
Do you mean to say that I have reached my destination?
It hadn’t occurred to me that I had.
All these years! For over a decade, I have worked so hard, hustled my bum off and worked from the feelings of ‘I have to do this to put food on the table’. You know, single mum stuff.
I HAD to do everything that I did to ensure we had a roof over our heads. To make sure the rent was paid, the bills were covered and that I could buy clothes/food for my girl. My work ethic was tough – as I had to be. I’d get up before 5 am and hustle before I took her to school. Anyone who has known me long enough – can remember my early morning boot camps and late-night Zumba classes. All to create the life we have now.
And it fucking worked!
I made mistakes, but I kept getting back up.
I barely switched off and distinctly remember watching Chloe at a sports carnival with a laptop on my lap for the whole day. I got looks from the other mums and kept going – I had no choice.
So, I created my incomes through feeling like I had no other choice.
Don’t get me wrong; I purposely chose self-employment as how I would work.
Not long after my marriage had ended, I had got a fantastic position as ‘Practice Manager’ for a financial planners office. They had actually head-hunted me, and I had scored financially! I was ecstatic – until Chloe got sick a couple of months in. She was up all night, and I took her to Emergency. We were there till 3 am and finally got her home. I called my manager at 7 am to tell her I couldn’t come in and explained the situation. She (yes, she was a woman) told me, ‘Emma, in times like these – you must have a plan B’. My blood ran cold. When it came to my girl, I was plan A-Z. I realised there and then that I needed to create our lives – I left there and re-joined my old company. I made a plan, studied at night and within 12 months, I had my business and walked away from full-time employment for good.
So, coming back to my conversation – I had made it.
This was true. My business incomes were steady and covered (in advance) my bills/rent etc.
I had no real goals going (also due to Covid changes around the world). I had expected to travel a lot and run retreats/workshops for 2020/21 and beyond.
What a revelation! And whilst at first, I was shocked. I sat on this for a couple of days and realised what opportunities I have now created!
And the point to this story?
Well, if you have read this far – I want you to know you too can do this. You, too, can get there.
If I can create my dreams, so can you.
If I can create a compelling future, so can you.
Allow me to remind you.
- I am a girl from the UK who grew up with no money and moved to Australia at 19. I would dream about leaving the UK to a sunny place from a young age. My pinboard as a teenager was my vision board, and I filled that baby up!
- I got married to the first man who was interested in me and worked in a corporate job for over a decade. I always had a side-hustle and found creative ways to make money – so I could take holidays and experiences for my girl.
- I was married for 13 years and walked away with a lounge, car and enough money for laser surgery on my eyes. I was a shell of a person – no confidence and lacking in faith in myself.
- I made a plan to get out of corporate, studied hard and took a risk leaving a well-paid easy job. When I left my full-time job, I only had $2k in the bank. I burnt my bridges there and never looked back.
It took strength, determination and a fuck-tonne of grit. It sucked at times, and almost monthly, I would check Seek.com to find a job, only to realise that I was no longer employable. I no longer took orders, and I was in the driver’s seat of my direction now.
Was it worth it?
Every tear, every drop of sweat was WORTH IT.
So now? Watch and see!
My new goals and dreams are forming daily, and I am excited to see what unfolds now. I see opportunities everywhere and want to share them all with you.
Want to talk about how you can too? Gimme a yell; you know where to find me.