Still human
I want to write and create every day. Yet, daily I have a fight with myself.
“You don’t have enough time, Emma. You have other important tasks to achieve”.
And I have to say, that voice is persuasive and is also the truth. But the yearning and calling to create is intense, particularly on the days that I am under pressure with deadlines (self-imposed, BTW) and trying to fit more into the day than is possible.
“Yes, Emma, if you escape to do the things you love…the other stuff will still be there”. And here’s the thing, there are always things/lists and deadlines. ALWAYS.
That doesn’t change.
And, of course, I do the ‘work’ on myself daily. I check in on how I am tracking emotionally and physically. I journal often and meditate almost daily. And STILL, I get that voice that I shouldn’t do the things I love. I’ll admit there are definitely days when that voice quietens to a whisper, and I can easily ignore its whiney tone.
A perfect example was going to Bali for a week’s holiday earlier this month. I specifically headed to an island to get away from it all, yet secretly was excited that I could get time to catch up on reading, unfinished projects and some study. Yes, I know…I don’t ‘do’ relaxing well or often. I am go, go, go most days with intermittent chillout/meditation time.
So, I was on the island, it was hot, and there were beautiful beaches to swim at. The food was excellent, and I got a few massages to ease me into holiday mode. After a few days of taking it easy, I felt it was time to ‘work’; when I say ‘work’, I mean laptop at the pool. But guess what happened? I got a raging temperature and spent 2 days in the air-con fighting off some bug. Okay, I read a massive John Grisham book whilst I laid still…but I was again arguing with myself that I SHOULD use this time away to get sh*t done. I know, I know. But don’t worry, it only took these days of laying still (head hurt) to realise that the Universe was yelling at me to STOP. And as I wasn’t listening, it made me stop. Thanks for that.
So, the point of this blog? I guess to remind you that even when you do the ‘work’, you are still human. I do all the things (journal, meditate, grounding, breathing) to ensure I am healthy (mind and body) and STILL ignore the signs. These days it’s only a few days of signs ignored, whereas it used to be months/years – so I know I am getting better at being in tune nowadays.
But I am far, far from perfect. And this comes from an ex-perfectionist (plus a Virgo!) who was super critical of herself (and others) and would regularly mentally beat herself up for the things she could have/should have done. Years ago, I was pretty mean to myself and treated myself unkindly. I have come a long, long way and often think of the 80/20 rule. I am aware 80% of the time, kind to myself and in flow. But, 20% of the time, I still revert to old conditioned human behaviour that isn’t serving me.
It’s possible to be aware of this.
It’s possible to be the observer in your life and notice this without the metaphorical beating up of oneself.
Reach out if you need help from a not-perfect person (me), and let’s chat about how you can make changes in your life too. Having been there and done that – I reckon I am as empathetic as they come.
Emma x
