You can shine
*Long post warning – I started writing something to inspire you, but this turned into something else*
At one point in my life, I felt lost, lonely, and overwhelmed. I also felt unheard and unseen and started to lose sight of who I was.
It wasn’t until I looked at my daughter that I realised that only I could change this and be the role model she needed in her life. I needed to demonstrate to her that she could be/do/have anything she wanted. It was no use telling her this verbally, as we do as parents. I had to show her.
The reality of this hit hard.
The act of taking massive responsibility nearly physically hurt me. My chest ached, my belly constricted, and for a while, I walked around in a kind of daze.
It’s me, isn’t it?
I am the one who has to step up.
I am the one to ‘do the work’.
Why me?
I am tired.
Actually, no. Check that. I’m bone tired and exhausted of being all the things and doing all the things.
Does this mean I need to do MORE?
My inner voice replied with a resounding YES.
I did try to ignore it for a while.
I drank some more wine while watching a TV crime drama. This was an effective way of escaping the thought of taking responsibility for my life. I would whine to my friends about the situation, and they would sigh along with me. We were all tired.
It was a couple of years of this until I realised going to swimming lessons for my daughter hungover wasn’t conducive to being a good role model for her. Even today, the smell of chlorine brings back this awful feeling.
I just did what I needed to. I felt like there wasn’t anyone I could ask for help or a guiding light. I was just a suburban wife/mum working hard to pay two mortgages in an extremely unhealthy marriage.
I don’t think there was a defining moment of clarity about making changes. A number of incidents happened, and I knew unconsciously that these were not good examples for my daughter. It was a progressive shift to ‘seeing the light,’ so to speak. It was hard, though, given that I was a shell of myself and barely could remember the vibrant, courageous, outgoing person I once was.
And courage was all it took—the courage to speak up, the courage to stand up and walk away. I was risking everything, and I lost so much. But it was worth it. I still had my girl, my health (maybe not my mental health—yet), and I was resourceful.
One thing I look back at and realise I did is that I didn’t speak about what was happening. I kept so much a secret. I had some friends who helped me emotionally; however, they only knew bits, and I felt too scared to share. Plus, it felt weak, and I didn’t want to bother them.
Online resources weren’t a thing back then. I would read self-help books from the library and eventually took a loan for a Tony Robbins course in Queensland. I’d walked on fire at a previous event and thought, if I can do that, I can do anything. And I was right. I realised I always had this inner courage; I had just forgotten and believed what I was told.
You are stupid.
You don’t know what you are doing.
You are ugly.
You are fat.
You are a pig.
You are lazy.
There’s more, but you probably don’t need to hear all of it.
I moved to another country across the world at age 19. As a teen, I went on many adventures to Europe. I started university at age 17. I was courageous.
However, when you hear that you are all the above things over and over again, you question yourself. It’s much like self-hypnosis—you tell yourself the same rubbish day in and day out, and you start to believe it. Whether it’s the inner talk or someone else saying it, you hear it enough, and your mind will start to believe it.
It was a little old Indian man I sat next to on this course who looked at me significantly and said, “You are courageous,” after I had shared some of my story. I have to say I was stunned and barely spoke for the rest of the day, as I had honestly forgotten this. It took hours and hours to land in my brain.
And, sometimes it takes someone else to see your courage. To see your light. To see your power.
I’ll forever thank that man for his words.
And my friend, if you have gotten this far – there is something you need to know.
I see you.
I see that you are tired.
I see that you are trying.
I also see your light. It might be a bit dimmer these days, but I see the flicker.
I know that you can and will shine again.
I see your courage.
I see your resilience.
I see you.
I often talk to the younger version of myself, give her the advice I now know, and share it with others. It’s now a gift to be able to help so many others, and I am blessed to be on this path.
Next month, I will be teaching in The Shine Sessions online. These sessions will teach you how to regulate your nervous system to tap into that courage, that light. They will empower you to see your potential and create the reality that you desire and deserve. It will be a mini journey into self-development with support and community. You will not be alone on this journey. Let’s do this together.
Emma x
