I am sick of you
I am sick of you.
I am sick of you not doing what you are told. Not doing what you are supposed to do. Not doing your job.
You frustrate me with your excuses, lies and bullshit.
You anger me with your laziness and you are killing me with your lack of participation.
Am I talking to you?
If you felt any twinge of emotion reading that…then I probably am.
But I am not. Am I?
I am talking to me. (Not really, as we are all the same yes?) So decide what you want and read on if you want to hear the truth. Or not. Chicken out and put your head in the sand why don’t you? It’s what you usually do anyway.
Or am I talking to me again? Whatever.
I said all this to my body last night. At 11.37pm to be exact. I woke up in incredible pain from my ear and cried into my pillow.
I had a bit of rant to myself. My body was letting me down! How rude? I treat it well, I love it and speak kindly to it (most of the time). I don’t eat shit, smoke and hardly drink. My only vice is my one coffee a day. Really? And my body thanks me with my third cold in just a month, gives me an ear infection and my voice has all but gone.
Its bullshit really. I hadn’t been unwell in years. So I can only assume there is a message here.
Years ago, I would relish in my victim state. I would relish in people feeling sorry for me, caring for me as ‘I did it tough’. I was a ‘battler’. Do you ever think how strange it is that we empathise so well with a ‘battler’? I would be the person who did the Facebook comments looking for sympathy/empathy I know this as Facebook reminds me in memories. I even saw one last week that said I was lonely! WHO WAS THIS PERSON? I am struggling to remember to be honest.
So I told myself that I was sick of myself. Of my body letting me down. Etc etc…blah blah ok now even I am bored of hearing that.
What’s the message? Gosh it could be anything. I know that a lot of physical ailments are related to emotions (Google Louise Hay if you like). Ears are about not liking what you are hearing…okay so the negative self talk would fit in there. My lost voice is about not speaking up yep that makes sense as I have been fighting with myself on me speaking my ‘truth’ with the risk of losing people around me. Ironic that I am even writing my next book on this.
Can you relate? After all, this blog post is supposed to be about me. It’s about you. But we are similar yes? Essentially what I go through, you also go through in your way. Whether its being unwell, or having feelings we are the same. And we pretend that we don’t have problems.
That’s the biggest problem ever.
Thats the biggest bull shit lie ever.
That we pretend that we are ok.
Even when we are not.
I do it. You do it. We all do it.
Why?
Because we don’t want to look like we have ‘failed’.
Yup that small yet large effin’ thing. FAIL.
Do you wanna fail at something? Probs not I’d bet.
Its why we don’t even attempt shit. Its why we don’t even put ourselves out there, when we probably should. Fail? Oh no! Not the F word!
I feel another blog post coming about the dreaded F word. So stay tuned on that one…
Back to the point (is there one?). The message on why I am sick of myself. On why you are sick of yourself….
You are missing the truth. The truth that your body knows best. It knows shit even before you know it. Tired, rundown, not looking after your physical body or whatever. LISTEN to it before it breaks down. LISTEN to it before it breaks down AGAIN. Okay yes I am listening now body! Thank you!
Get back down to basics. Are you eating well, moving and breathing. Yep I reckon you are not breathing. Right now do it! BREATHE IN. BREATHE OUT.
That felt better didn’t it? That rush of oxygen to the brain may have even made you dizzy. ‘Thank you body for the extra oxygen!’. That is what it is telling you. Its THANKING YOU for breathing.
Its basic, and so simple. Yet you forget. I forget. We all forget. And its ok.
Just remember again.
Emma xx
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